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First question: What do you want from A BAND? Hmm? Pithy insight? Dry wit? The girlishly pretty lead singer's aching heart plucked out and worn on the sleeve of his tastefully distressed cheesecloth shirt? Angst? Melancholy? And lame whining self-obsessed 5th form poetry about how desperately hard life is from some pampered little prissy prig with a million drug vouchers in the bank and beautiful teenage groupies queuing round the block eager to suck his tiny little cock? Huh? Big haired, hairy chested and spandex clad ape-men (who DON'T find This Is Spinal Tap funny) delivering pomposity, arrogance and supple-fingered guitar wankery to an audience of emotionaly retarded motor cycle mechanics? Chaps who think they're vikings but dress like Australian hairdressers on acid and always include a sickeningly effete Celine Dion style ballad on their albums for the "ladies"? Eh? Raw hate. Undiluted horror. The brittle screech of rock music impacting at supersonic speed against the outer limits of the avant garde? The sound of a million tea-chests stuffed with high-octane molotov cocktails dropped from a thousand B52 bombers onto a nuclear minefield during a typhoon? Oh yes. If you answered a) or b) then fuck off. Go on, just fuck off. Have they gone yet? The consumers? The sheep? The brain-doners? Good. OK, next question. What do you want from a web site? A dull as fuck biog. Interviews and reviews stolen from other sites and magazines? Some nice piccies. Some more shit that makes the site look like every other band site on the web. A direct clone of the above. The information superhighway's equivalent the Basra Road - a furiously burning 897 vehicle pile-up that's been up strafed, rocketed and napalmed to fuck by viciously circling Apache attack helicopters and then swamped by a circling flock of huge black mutant super-vultures who fight giant rats for the soft bits of the charred corpse? If you answered a) or b) then what the hell is wrong with you?!?! Is there something up with your brain? Hmm? You demand EXTREME music? But you like your web-sites nice and safe and tame and predictable and utterly, utterly fucking BORING? Is that it? Is that it? Come on! Get with the project! This is NAPALM DEATH we are talking about here. The Godfathers Of Grindcore! The musical equivalent of Ebola. The 5th Horseman of The Apocalypse (War, Famine, Pestilence, Death and AAAAAAARGH! MY FUCKING EARS! SOME PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!)! And you want to be spoon-fed "alternative" pap? What? Really? Nah, Forget it. Life's too short of be boring. You've got the rest of your life to be middle aged. OK, yes, we'll give you the FACTS. We'll give you the BIOGRAPHY. We'll give you the DISCOGRAPHY. Hell, if you want we'll even tell you Shane Embury's shoe size (15 and a half). But most off we'll grab you by the throat, throw you to the ground, stifle your screams with a shitty rag, rip down your trousers and ram a hallucinogenic super-speedball suppository up your flabby arse and then sell your body to maleveloent alien squid who'll train you as a sex slave and use you cruelly in the sex-aphitheatres of Rigel 9 and then flash fry your cosmic sperm sodden carcass and use it as an amusingly piquant entr�e in banquet which also consists of space-slug boullabaise, enadagered rainforest monkey-burgers on a bed of steamed baby seal tongues followed blue-whale semen flavoured custard drenched spotted dick, cheese, biscuits and liquers. COME ON! YOU, dear reader, are a Vietnamese peasant quietly planting rice and WE are a squadron of US Navy Phantom fighter bombers flown by amphetamine addled rock'n'rollers with one foot in the grave. The canisters tumbleKABOOOM! Instant fried water buffalo with noodles to go. Take a deep breath and prepare to die, you bastard. Prepare to have your terror strcken brain ripped to of your fear-distended nostrils and then savagely kicked to death by utterly intense prose inspired by the nerveshredding terror rock that IS Napalm fucking Death!! Dig in, motherfucker, We're about to blow your tiny mind with the TRUTH about Napalm Death |